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Okay, he said. I ll leave you alone. But don t do anything, Lucy. Don t do anything,
okay? Until we talk again.
I bit my lip. I was making him no promises after all his lies.
And no, of course I wasn t going to have an abortion. I just wanted to hurt him as much as
he d hurt me. Let him believe I was going to get it taken care of, let him feel that pain of cold-
hearted betrayal, the same pain I was feeling now. Just one little lie, but everything else I d said
was true. I was done with him, done with his peculiar one-sided brand of honesty. In my mind, it
was already completely over. Convincing him would be more difficult, but eventually he d
understand.
* * *
A couple hours later, Grégoire mustered up the courage to visit me. He lingered at the door
like a repentant puppy, gauging my mood before he dared come near. I wished I had a rolled up
newspaper to smack him with.
I ll only come in if you promise to listen to me, to listen to my side of the story.
What other side is there? I snapped. I was completely passed out.
His side. What did he tell you?
Nothing. I sent him away. I have less than no interest in what he has to say.
He didn t explain to you why he did it? He was still talking to me from the door.
I know why he did it, but it was still wrong! And you...he never would have thought of it
on his own. So this is as much your fault as his.
God, Lucy. I m so sorry. Please don t be mad at me. I can t stand it, I couldn t stand it...if
you won t be my friend...
Grégoire s tears finally undid me. I started to cry too. It was all so sad and ugly. My lips
trembled and my words came out in a rush.
I need you now, G. I need you to be my friend, now more than ever.
I reached out for him and he came to me, enveloping me in his arms. I cried into his
shoulder, the shoulder I d leaned on so many times both in dancing and in life.
I can t believe we re not going to dance together again. I just can t believe it s over, I
sobbed.
Aw, Lucy, it s not over. Don t say that, not yet.
But it is, isn t it? I ll never dance again. I can t. I ll miss dancing with you most of all, G.
How can it be over? Forever? I just wasn t ready for it to be over!
I know, sweet, I know. He crooned to me quietly, trying to soothe me. I don t know what
he said. I was crying way too hard to listen. The thought of never again moving across a stage
with Grégoire, soaring through space propelled by his agile hands, it killed me. I looked down at
his hand patting my leg gently, felt his soft, fine black hair brushing against my cheek. The smell
of him, the solid feel of him against me. I knew why I was so sad. I d lost not one lover, but two.
Besides that, besides being alone and losing my lovers, I would get fat and awkward when
I d been sleek and graceful all my life. I d get fat with a baby I didn t want, that I d resent, and
then I d have to live with the guilt of giving away my flesh and blood to some strangers because
I was too selfish to love it. I felt like my life was over, and nothing in my future seemed worth
living for.
It will be okay, he said when I d calmed down enough to listen. Everything will be okay.
Maybe you can become a teacher.
I don t want to be a teacher.
You say that now, but you ll miss dancing. You ll miss it enough to do anything, I think.
And you ll have this little one to teach dancing to. He laid his hand on my belly. It would be a
shame to waste your genes.
No, I said. No, never. No child of mine will ever be a dancer
Lucy. If you hate dance so much, why are you going on and on about how much you ll
miss it?
You know why. You know exactly why. He fell quiet. He did understand the love/hate
relationship we all had with dance. His joints were nowhere near as bad as mine, but the end
would come for him too. I can t stand to think of this baby going through this pain and loss
someday...
At that moment, as I said those words, I realized with horror that I was already protecting
the thing inside me, and there would be no way to let it go. I was already attached to it, as much
as I hated it. Grégoire still had his hand on my stomach, caressing it. He d known all along.
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